August, The First Possible Month of Fall

I started writing a journal this weekend which I got for my birthday last week. I've come to realize that the biggest problem that I have is myself. I realized that I'm just fine as God's beloved during the weekend, when I have lots of time to worship and celebrate him and just bask in his love. But when pressure and busyness come, I'm nowhere to be found by God. My pastor confirmed this, when he said almost verbatim what I had thought today in church. I read this verse in Jeremiah 17:10:

I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give each man according to his ways, according to the result of his deeds. (NASB)

I have these moments where I just wake up, like a man who comes out of deep sleep and it feels like coming up out of the water, and I understand that it's what I do that is important. Fine, maybe we all have wonderful beliefs on paper. But there are times when I'm just scared because I know I am not living in my relationship with Jesus as I should be. I ignore him. I forget him. I brush him off to be with myself. And that's sad. I can't miss out on a moment with God. It's too precious, too important, too wonderful. I told God today I want to spend the Autumn with him together this year. Not that we don't anyways, but I want it to be our time when our love blossoms again. I wrote down Song of Songs 3:1-2 and 5:2-6 in my journal in church and realized it was exactly what I did and felt when my Beloved comes near to me:

All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him. I will get up now and go about the city, through its streets and squares; I will search for the one my heart loves. So I looked for him but did not find him...I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My lover is knocking: "Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with the dew, my hair with the dampness of the night." I have taken off my robe-must I put it on again? I have washed my feet-must I soil them again? My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my lover and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the lock. I opened for my lover, but my lover had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer. (NIV)

I find myself in that exact same scene with Jesus' Spirit, taking place inside myself almost daily. I have to end it. I am so deeply in love with him. I can't let our relationship be dull, without passionate because part of me just plain lackadaisical and filled with lethargy. We had prayer at church at the end; I did something then I've been wanting to do for most of the past week. I put my arms up in the air and tiptoed upward celebrating God and mouthing to him how much I love him, how much I adore him, how happy he makes me.

God, I love you so much Jesus Christ. I am yours forever. I love you my Lover. I can't wait to have the best Autumn ever with you this year.